Seven Practical Guidelines Regarding the Disciplining of Children

1. Discipline with love and concern.

Our children or students must know our deep love and concern for them. It is one thing to love them and another to convey our love. Our children must feel our love by the manner in which we speak with them and how we speak about them. We must never degrade or insult our children. We must never seriously mock or poke fun at them. We must never share personal intimacies of our children with others. Our children need the security of being able to trust us completely. We must show an interest in their concerns and appreciation for their thoughts. We must convey our desire to talk with them and our willingness to give them of our time. Family time is an issue of “quality time” even more than “quantity time.” A fifteen minute authentic talk with our children means more than an entire unorganized evening with half-interested conversation exchanges. Family trips or outings are also excellent opportunities for sharing experiences with your children.

In his meditation on The Duties of Parents, J.C Ryle describes this beautifully:

Love should be the silver thread that runs through all your conduct. Kindness, gentleness, long-suffering, forbearance, patience, sympathy, a willingness to enter into childish troubles, a readiness to take part in childish joys, these are the cords by which a child may be led most easily; these are the clues you must follow if you would find the way to his heart.

Few are to be found, even among grown-up people, who are not more easy to draw than to drive. There is that in all our minds which rises in arms against compulsion; we set up our backs and stiffen our necks at the very idea of a forced obedience. We are like young horses in the hand of a breaker: handle them kindly, and make much of them, and by and by you may guide them with thread; use them roughly and violently, and it will be many a month before you get the mastery of them if at all.

The Word of God instructs us in this truth: “Like as a father pitieth his children so the LORD pitieth them that fear Him” (Psalm 103:13); “Teach the young women…to love their children” (Titus 2:4).

2. Discipline with firmness.

Your child’s will must be submissive to your will. Obedience is necessary. One child’s will is subdued with a look or word. With another, it is much more difficult. Physical spanking is necessary, especially for younger children. The Bible speaks clearly of this: “Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying” (Prov. 19:18); “Withold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die” (Prov. 23:13); “The rod and reproof give wisdom…” (Prov. 29:15a).

Spanking must be used, but it must be used:

1. With love (for their best)

2. With meaning (explaining why)

3. With purpose (for correction)

4. With reason (not on impulse).

Scripture forbids us to excessively or wrongly use our authority. We must strive not to provoke anger and rebellion in our children. “And, ye, fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). As parents and teachers, we may never flaunt or proudly display our authority. Our punishment must fit the crime. We may not try to drive in thumbtacks with sledgehammers. Over-compensation pours fuel upon the inborn fires of rebellion. As Richard Baxter writes: “We must deal humbly even when we deal sharply.”

Excessive speaking, warning, and yelling become habit-forming. By doing this we train our children not to listen until spoken to for the third time, or until the threat is carried out or yelling is achieved. Frequent yelling produces emotional drain and stirs anger in the parent or teacher and only trains our children not to listen until our voices reach a higher decibel range. Those who live near a waterfall or train track never hear the noise. Anger must be displayed at times, as Jesus shows when cleansing the temple, but it must be the exception and not the rule. Frequent anger only aggravates the situation and loses all effective power.

Willful defiance must be dealt with immediately and firmly. How to best handle each situation requires continual wisdom. Each situation and child are complex and different. But, once we have made our decision, it must be carried out firmly. We must, however, distinguish willful defiance from childish irresponsibility. Let us observe the following example from a home:

Mom looks up from her sewing and says to her four-year-old son, “Robert do not touch that plant.” As she continues with her sewing, Robert returns to play with the plant. Two minutes later Mom notices this and raises her voice, “Robert…I said don’t touch the plant!” Robert moves to the other end of the table, but after Mom is busy again he returns. Five minutes later, Mom notices this and fiercely yells, “Robert you get away from that plant this minute!” Robert now leaves. However, later that evening, as he is lifting several puzzles onto the table, he accidentally knocks over the beautiful table plant. Mom jumps up, yells at Robert, spanks him soundly, and sends him to his room, thoroughly upset with the damaged plant and dirtied table.

This mother has powerfully taught her four-year-old Robert a lesson which she did not intend. Willful defiance is not as serious as accidentally damaging property. Childish irresponsibility can often be aggravating, but we must examine why we are punishing our children. Punishment is not an end in itself—it is a means to an end. The end is correction. The willful defiance of Robert is more serious than the knocked-over plant. Robert’s will is what needs to be subdued and corrected. We need to punish our children meaningfully. John Owen writes: “The nature and end of judgment or sentence must be corrective, not vindictive; for healing, not destruction.”

Love and firmness are the two oars with which we must row.

Love and firmness are the two oars with which we must row. If one is used without the other, the boat will only travel in circles; you need to consistently use both to steer a straight course.

3. Discipline by example.

Children learn something from what we say, more from what we do, but most from who we are. Model and display, but above all be what you want your children and students to be. View and speak about those in authority over you as you would want your children to view and speak about you. In what manner do you speak about your country’s president or prime minister, especially when decisions are made with which you do not agree? If you express your disagreement, is it done in a respectful manner for his office and authority? If not, then you are teaching your children an unforgettable lesson: When those in authority do not do what we think is proper, this gives us a right to speak disrespectfully about them. Do you teach by example that it is acceptable to break laws if you can get away with it and that it is more important not to get caught than to obey? You do, if they see that you are more concerned about police officers than speed limit signs.

If our children or students tell us about disagreements with those in authority over them, how do we react? If one of your students speaks disrespectfully about his parents, do you as a teacher try to help him understand why his behavior is wrong? Or if your child speaks about one of his teachers disrespectfully, do you correct him? Never criticize or even subtly show disrespect for those in authority over your children. If inwardly you do have a concern, speak with that person privately when your child is not aware of it. If we teach by example that it is acceptable to disrespect those placed in authority over us, there is no end to the problems we generate. The Word of God states: “Exhort servants to be obedient unto their own masters, and to please them well in all things; not answering again; not purloining, but showing all good fidelity” (Tit. 2:9–10a).

J.C. Ryle warns us as parents on this point by writing:

As a minister, I cannot help remarking that there is hardly any subject about which people become so tenacious (persistent or stubborn) as they are about their children. I have sometimes been perfectly astonished at the slowness of sensible Christian parents to allow that their own children are in fault, or deserve blame. There are not a few persons to whom I would far rather speak about their own sins, than tell them their children had done anything wrong.

On the other hand, while children are required to obey those in authority over them, those in authority can make it much easier for their children and students when they conduct themselves and use their authority in a respectful manner. George Swinnock once wrote, “Some men would receive more blows with patience, if they were given them with more prudence.” Therefore Paul instructed Timothy regarding his new position of authority in this double truth: first, “Let no man despise thy youth,” and second, “but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity” (1 Tim. 4:12).

Archbishop Tillotson wrote, “To give children good instruction and a bad example, is but beckoning to them with the head to show them the way to heaven, while we take them by the hand and lead them in the way to hell.” Imitation is more powerful than memory—that which is seen, more powerful than that which is heard.

James W. Beeke serves as elder in the Chilliwack, British Columbia Netherlands Reformed Congregation and is principal of Timothy Christian School. This is the third of four articles dealing with the subject of proper discipline in home and school based on the Biblical foundation of authority. This instalment contains the first three of seven “guidelines.”

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