Engagement (3): Dangerous Compromise!

Naturally there can also be cases where the one to whom we wish to join ourselves promises to comply with the thoughts and wishes of the other, and to place him- or herself under the doctrine and discipline of the Christian truth. Then they have at least spoken together about this important matter of religion. That is better than the preceding case which we spoke of— those who enter wedlock easily, minimizing the question of religion, and with a groundless, over-confident, optimistic hope for a change of opinion in the future. Still also in this we must be careful. Joining the church of the Lord must always be an honest and sincere commitment. We may never do this with reservations. When someone joins a church only because one’s boy friend or girl friend belongs to that church, he or she is not being entirely honest. One must be thoroughly convinced of the truth of the doctrine of the Lord before one joins the church. If we only join the church of God to be able to marry the person of our choice, then such an affiliation is not a true relationship from the heart.

In this connection we can point again to a few biblical examples. We are thinking of the history of Dinah. Hamor and Shechem were willing to accept the terms of Jacob’s family in the matter of religion. But why? Read what Scripture tells us of the motive for this transition: “And Hamor and Shechem his son came unto the gate of their city, and communed with the men of their city, saying, these men are peaceable with us; therefore let them dwell in the land, and trade therein; for the land, behold, it is large enough for them; let us take their daughters to us for wives, and let us give them our daughters.

Only herein will the men consent unto us for to dwell with us, to be one people, if every male among us be circumcised, as they are circumcised. Shall not their cattle and their substance and every beast of theirs be ours? only let us consent unto them, and they will dwell with us” (Gen. 34:20-23).

This then was the motive for the transition of the Shechemites to the church of Jacob, so that the marriage of Shechem and Dinah could take place. Such a motive is not pure. The Lord will not command His blessing upon it. Therefore we should be careful with such a transition. It may only take place when the person who wants to change is personally convinced of the truth and wants to make the change regardless of a possible marriage or other matters. Only then can a tie with one who is of another persuasion be responsible when the other abandons that other persuasion with conviction, and wholeheartedly wants to place himself under the doctrine of the Lord and to conduct himself according to God’s Word.

The reason we give this matter so much attention is related to the first and second causes for the institution of marriage. In these we read that they should faithfully assist one another, and that they bring up the children that the Lord shall given them, in the true knowledge and fear of God to His glory. When we speak of assisting each other in matters belonging to life eternal, we must ask whether it is possible if in these matters there may be such a great difference of opinion. Both during our engagement and in matrimony we must be able to speak very open-heartedly about those things that concern the kingdom of God. Among other things that must certainly be included in “assisting each other in matters belonging to life eternal. “It is very clear that here a difference of opinion regarding fundamental issues becomes a gulf that separates husband and wife, and makes true unity impossible. Moreover there can be no bringing up of the children in the knowledge and fear of God when the father and mother differ from each other in the matter of religion. Our biblical doctrine must influence our entire life. There is not only Christian doctrine, but also Christian living.

In the education of children questions arise that concern both: Will they go to a Christian school or not? Will they go to catechism or not? Will they attend church or not? And to say nothing about all other matters that arise when bringing up children, such as the means and opportunities for recreation in which the difference between the parents will clearly reveal itself. This, of course, causes tensions in the family which can undermine the marriage. It often causes irreparable harm to the happiness of the children.

If experience teaches that even when there is oneness in fundamental matters, tension-causing differences often reveal themselves in regard to practical questions, what must it then be in a family where there is an essential difference of opinion between father and mother regarding those things that are of utmost importance in our life? The result of such marriages in such a situation is an almost hopeless confusion in which the peace of matrimonial life often is disrupted, the children being the victims.

In this connection let us also think of what we read in the book of Nehe-miah, where we are told of Jews that had married wives of Ashdod, Ammon, and Moab, whose children spoke half in the speech of Ashdod and half according to the language of each people, but could not speak in the Jews’ language. That was the result of mixed marriages. That is the way it will undoubtedly go when such mixture takes place. Usually the result is that they cannot speak the “Jews’”language; and therefore we do well to stay far away from any mingling.

Rev. A. Vergunst (1936-1981) served the Netherlands Reformed Congregations of Corsica, South Dakota and Kalamazoo, Michigan, in addition to three congregations in the Netherlands.

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