Engagement (6): May it be Broken?

After a time of acquaintance in which serious consideration was given to the above matters, and finally the day arrives in which they intend to promise faithfulness to each other; that is an important day.

After a more or less secret association, the relationship takes on a more official appearance. The association is not yet officially binding, although we may not lightly arouse expectations in our friend. In the process of becoming acquainted the purpose is to try our mutual affections and to find out whether there are sufficient grounds to continue going with each other.

If it becomes evident that the mutual affection is not of such a nature that they can endure each other also in the idiosyncrasies by which one personality differs from another, and that instead of feeling a firmer tie, the two draw farther apart, then the association must be ended as soon as possible. It must not continue if in their heart they dread it more and more, for continuing it may bind the heart of the other closer and closer and may encourage expectations that cannot be realized.

Yet it may happen in a relationship, that although there is an affection that is true and pure, there are reasons why an engagement must be ended. In this connection we are thinking especially about a difference of opinion regarding fundamental questions. If there is such a difference, or if the difference becomes more evident as the association progresses, then, if no persuasion by which we wish to lead the other to the knowledge of the truth avails, the relationship must be cut off. Of course, this means a sacrifice, but such a sacrifice must be made, even though the possibility of another association is cut off by such action.

It may be that a person must bear the cross of an affection which, for the Lord’s sake and because of His commandment, can never lead to matrimony. We have already explained why that is. Remember, however painful breaking off the relationship with one for whom we feel a true affection may be, the continuation of that relationship may lead to a heavier cross.

I once heard of a Roman Catholic man who was married to a Protestant woman. Both cherished a pure love for each other, but both were serious in their convictions. Against the counsel of many they still married. Although their affection did not change and they continued to love each other as persons, also as husband and wife, they both admitted that it had been better if they had never married. Their being of different religious persuasions has made their married life a cross for them because at various occasions, especially in regard to their children, this very deep gulf between them was evident, and it made life a trial also for the children.

Therefore it is always better to bear the cross of loneliness, in which the Lord can support us, than the cross of an artificial communion in which not only the two people are involved, but also the children.

When the engagement is established, a pleasant time arrives. Many, after they are married, often think with pleasure on the time of their engagement. This period has its own charm, and is unique in one’s life. It is a time of looking forward to the day when the promises made to each other shall be fulfilled. Both are living for that day. It is a time of preparation and planning. Each one of the engaged couple has his own duties. The boy prepares himself either by studying or by laboring for the task that awaits him as the head of the family, the task of protecting and providing. The knowledge that he shall soon take his bride into his home will no doubt stimulate him to be zealous in doing his duty. He is then not working for himself alone, but is continually conscious of the fact that he is also working for his beloved, and for the family that he hopes to build with her.

The girl also has her own task, her specific feminine task. She has the care of everything that belongs to future housekeeping. How life has its own charm in that time!

The parents, too, enjoy themselves in the preparations of their children. How close the mother stands to the daughter as she advises and instructs her out of her own experience! Often such a time binds mother and daughter more closely together.

How delightful is the communion of lovers during the engagement! They are brought closer and closer together. All their conversations and discussions are related to the future. Their communion, although observing the necessary guardedness, becomes less strained and more free. For themselves they are already bride and bridegroom, for their promises of faithfulness—the symbol of which they often have on their finger, have bound them to each other. He who loves his bride-to-be will guard her purity.

However, can such a bond still be broken? Alas, it can and does happen, but it should not take place lightly. Of course it is possible that during the engagement things happen which make it desirable and necessary to break the engagement. It may be that one of them is unfaithful. Such an unfaithfulness includes the breaking of the engagement. Such an unfaithfulness is contrary to the law of Cod, for if we are bound to each other by promises, then every faithless breaking of such a promise is a sin against the seventh and ninth commandments. There can also be other reasons, for instance, when they find they have not the love for each other they thought they had. Painful as it may be for both parties, still it is better to break up before they marry.

Rev. A Vergunst (1936–1981) served the Netherlands Reformed Congregations of Corsica, South Dakota and Kalamazoo, Michigan, in addition to three congregations in the Netherlands.

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