Family Visitation (7): Its Institution

It is of utmost importance how a person is spoken to. We must consider that we can also misuse the Word by denying, twisting, or concealing reality. Many people cover themselves with a mask and painstakingly conceal what is in their heart. There are many who do not wish to discuss their inner feelings, and the conversation remains superficial. We can also use our tongue as a sharp sword. Then we use the Word as a weapon to hurt and grieve one another, and this ruins all communication. James speaks about the power of the tongue. Everyone who goes on family visitation should read James 3 attentively. When he speaks about the abuse of the tongue, he starts with an admonition, “My brethren, be not many masters, knowing that we shall receive the greater condemnation. For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man.” How humbling it is to hear: “The tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity … the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison” (James 1:2, 6, 8). And with that tongue office-bearers must go on family visitation. With that tongue they are received into the house. With the tongue we can create love, trust, joy, deliverance, and rest, or arguments, unrest, dissatisfaction, bitterness, and separation. It becomes evident that the end result will either be the fruit of the Holy Spirit or of the flesh.

James also speaks about the wisdom that is from above and the wisdom that is not from above in chapter 3:17: “The wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.”

How can we go on family visitation or have family visitation without first bowing our knees? If we have the least knowledge of our tongue, then we will fear ourself and beg the Lord to set a watch over our mouth and keep the door of our lips so that we do not speak unadvisedly. Our tongue is called “a fire,” and if we go on family visitation this fiery tongue goes with us and we must be very cautious. There is always a chance for an outburst of fire, and who can extinguish it? The preached Word, pastoral care, and the response to preaching is dependent on the proper use of our tongue, speech, and words. A genuine conversation does not consist in a multitude of words. A series of words without intermission is like water running off a rock. Solomon said, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.” Our words should run parallel with the circumstances we meet with. In other words, if there is sorrow, then we must speak to comfort, etc. When we present ourselves with a pleasant attitude and a handshake, we express ourselves already before we begin to speak.

In this aspect, we also refer to moments of silence during a conversation. There must be time for contemplation as to what has been said. If we do not respond to others without due consideration, it is foolishness. Sometimes the only responses are “yes,” “no,” or only a nod of the head. This type of silence is an embarrassment and gives guilt feelings to everyone. This happened at one time when a brother elder, who accompanied me on family visitation, said on the spur of the moment, “Be honest with me, did you make up your mind ahead of time to be silent?” I felt it was an appropriate question.

Silence can also result if people are shy. And if the family is together, parents may not want to express themselves in the presence of their children, and vice versa. This difficulty can also be between brothers and sisters, so only things that are predominant are mentioned, but every effort must be made to overcome this. Silence also occurs when the conversation is not edifying. This happens many times, and then communication is nothing more than a lifeless formality. The fruit of this is the conclusion that family visitation does not have to be done for us anymore.

There is also a silence when real communion is felt, when there is a bond of fellowship. Then each one listens and speaks in an edifying way. This results in an enduring relationship. Then God’s Word is fulfilled when Christ stated, “Where two or three are gathered together in My Name, there am I in the midst of them” (Mt. 18:20). Then we feel the presence of the Lord, and feel that we are God’s servants (2 Cor. 5:20). These feelings are wrought by the Holy Spirit, for which we must pray and give thanks. Then the time goes quickly and we may say, “It was good to be here.” This can also happen in our day if we not only open our doors but our hearts to present ourselves as we are. To change the difficulties of family visitation, we must begin with ourselves. The Holy Spirit works by means, and we quench and grieve the Spirit if we do not open ourselves to others.

From what has been said, it is obvious that we should both speak and listen. Most of the time it is more difficult to listen than to speak. To listen is a creative act. If you know how to listen, you will open the heart of others and make it easier for them to speak. A sincerely attentive listener can gain the confidence of someone who has been isolated for years. To listen gives a sense of openness and impartiality to others. This must be done with reverence, love, and patience.

We must not only listen but try to understand what prompts the speaker’s expressions. Words can be inadequate to relate a person’s actual feelings, and for this reason we should analyze what they are trying to say. There are also people who pour out words incessantly. This is not edifying but causes frustration, and we should analyze the question causing this dilemma. If this is not clear to both parties, or if there are too many misconceptions, the visit becomes a failure. Furthermore, they may question whether their particular circumstances should be discussed. This is the main reason many keep back their troubles and needs. There is also the fear of a private sermon, bringing with it a responsibility they feel they cannot handle.

Actually, many minimize family visitation. This is a dangerous and unhealthy situation because we are dealing with living souls — people who must go through this life of trials, sufferings, failings, wrestlings, and sinning — people who have a body and soul that are entrusted to our care. There are many individual personalities, and we live in an unpredictable world. There are many changes and some happen so fast that all that is left is a feeling of uncertainty. But we may not stop here. Through all ages God’s Word has remained unchangeable. It is a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path. It is a blessing of the Holy Spirit. It is through the preaching that the Word of God works, strengthens, and nourishes faith in our personal life. The true meaning of family visitation is that the Word of God may dwell in us richly. Through the powerful working of the Holy Spirit, God’s Word will bear fruits of conversion and faith.

Spiritual preparation is needed for successful family visitations, namely, prayer. Also important is constant reading and meditation of God’s Word and other books of a spiritual nature.

There is a treasure of harvested sheaves left by our forefathers which many praise, but are they read? The form of ordination for office-bearers speaks about the necessity of continually searching the Word of God and meditating on the mysteries of faith. It is this eternal and precious Word of God that binds us together as officebearers and congregations.

Behold, how good, how pleasant is the union,

When brethren in the Lord have sweet communion!

For there Jehovah God His blessing sends,

Yea, even life that never ends.

— Psalter 449:1 a 2b

Rev. H. Hofman is pastor of the Netherlands Reformed congregation of Chilliwack, British Columbia.

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