Understanding Each Other (16)

Rev. P. Van Ruitenburg, Chilliwack, BC

Language of love

It is possible that there can be much love between husband and wife; yet one or the other may not be fully aware of the other person’s feelings. You may think it is self-evident that you love your partner and show it in everything you do or say; yet your spouse is uncertain of your feelings, attributing your behavior to other reasons. You may experience such a situation when your partner does not understand your language of love.

Mistaken thought

You can help your wife by washing the dishes for her, but, perhaps, she thinks that you do it only because you quickly want to get rid of the mess. You can cook a delicious meal for your husband, but he may think you did it for the children. You can dress yourself to look attractive for your husband, but who says that he interprets it rightly? In marriage, many do not understand each other, and they become frustrated because their spouse does not appreciate the sacrifice being made or the kindness being shown. It is, therefore, a good practice to have an honest talk about how you can convey your appreciation for each other. Perhaps doing the dishes would not be included in that discussion. Maybe your wife would like it much better if you would sit in your chair, without a newspaper, and listen to her. Perhaps she would tell you how delightful she finds it when you get down on the floor to play with the children. Sadly, there is so often misunderstanding between each other, and sin quickly gains the upper hand. Rather, there is need for self-denial to understand and to speak the language of the other.

Buying love

I think about a mother who felt that she really loved her children. She was a widow and gave away hundred-dollar bills as if it were nothing. Since she had only two children, she could afford to do this for a period of time, but did her sons understand her idea of love? Regrettably, it was not the case. I learned that both sons found their mother to be a hard woman. There was no warmth, no personal contact, and no heartfelt attention. The mother wanted to look good to the children by buying their love. How dreadful. I had to think of the words of the apostle Paul, “Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal” (1 Corinthians 13:1). The mother who handed out hundred dollar bills did not radiate love, and possibly there was no love. It is also possible that there was love, but it did not penetrate, was not understood, and therefore was seen as self-love. It is necessary to give some thought as to how we may best express our love.

Not the love?

Paul writes about the language of angels and people and explains that love is more than words and even more than deeds. Without love, we sound shrill, and our deeds have a metallic sound to God. God sees through all our coverings, and He looks at the heart. If we give away all our goods to the poor and have not love, then we are still nothing. We need a new heart and cordial love for God and our neighbor. Yes, the Lord wants His children to express thankfulness by respecting His law and Word. Christ was able to express His love; if that is understood, then we will have a true understanding of what love is.

“Hereby perceive we the love of God, because He laid down His life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren” (1 John 3:16).

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