Understanding Each Other (47)

Rev. P. Van Ruitenburg, Chilliwack, BC

Revenge on Your Children

Almost fifty years ago, an old widower, known as a child of God, came frequently to visit on Sunday evenings. He related to us that he had once given his son a heavy punishment but later regretted doing this. He felt that he should not have been so harsh because God had not dealt with him so harshly either. He went back to his son’s bedroom and told him that his harshness bothered him. This story made a deep impression on us; we had respect for the humility of this old father.

Punishment, not revenge

It is clear that children must be disciplined. Without punishment, they will not mature properly as they grow up. Punishment is different from taking revenge. Children must know what the rules are, but parents should not retaliate against their children when they feel offended, ashamed, or distraught. Even if children deliberately disobey, parents must remain calm and react in a sensible manner. This is not always easy, especially if one is tired or very sensitive; nevertheless, it is God’s will. Unfortunately, revenge can be a natural response, sometimes also for parents. However, it would be better to contain one’s anger and take some time to resume self-control. After a few hours or the next day, we can speak with our child, since we then have had enough time to consider what we will say and what the punishment should be. When one is calm, he can be more reasonable, and words spoken do not lead so quickly into an argument.

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God” (James 1:19&20).

Self-control

“But I cannot control myself when I become terribly angry.” “You know that I can no longer keep myself calm.” “I could harm them.” Such expressions are occasionally heard, but they seem to be lame excuses. It is hard to believe that as father (or mother) you really cannot calm down. If you have such a control problem, you probably should seek professional help.

Isn’t it strange that you can suddenly control yourself when unexpectedly there is someone at the door or if the telephone rings? Your voice quickly becomes calm, and it seems as if nothing is the matter. Suddenly, the will to control your anger is present. It lies therefore on the will to control your anger and emotions, not on the ability to control them

“Now the God of patience and consolation grant you to be likeminded one toward another according to Christ Jesus” (Romans 15:5).

A gentle voice

Sometimes it appears as if parents only want revenge. There was a boy whose mother often scolded him. His mother felt that she only said clearly what she thought and that her son was too sensitive. Her words probably sounded harsher to him than she meant them to be. That is possible. Yet the mother must realize that her voice, according to the child’s perception, could sound cold and harsh. Children easily perceive that as hatred and feel themselves pushed away. Naturally, fathers and mothers do not mean to do this, but it is unfortunate that the relationship between parent and child can become damaged as a result of this. The unpleasant consequence is that if someone is too harsh, relationships are not only damaged for a long time, but also there may be a negative environment. Children can be emotionally scarred by such treatment.

“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).

“Surely the churning of milk bringeth forth butter, and the wringing of the nose bringeth forth blood: so the forcing of wrath bringeth forth strife” (Proverbs 30:33).

Body language

Fathers and mothers should be aware that not only their words, if not carefully chosen, but also their eyes and their body language can be wrongly interpreted. You may let your children see that you are angry or disappointed and even show that you no longer know what to do. You may likewise say something to them if you are deeply offended, but grimness solves nothing and is actually unchristian.

“A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife” (Proverbs 15:18).

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