Understanding Each Other (28)

Rev. P. Van Ruitenburg, Chilliwack, BC

Covering a transgression

“He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends” (Proverbs 17:9).

Some people have a need to talk about “past injustices.” They cannot forget how they have been treated by others. Things that have been said years ago do not seem to have been completely forgotten and come floating to the surface at times.

Sensitive

One person is more sensitive than another and has a thinner or thicker skin than the other. That is not the only thing; some people experience things very intensely and have much longer memories than those who do not feel things as deeply and forget them more easily. That is why, when there is a new discord in marriage, the whole past is being raked up again. Remarks such as, “Do you still know what you said to me at that time?” betray that some things have not been forgotten and are still important to a person while the partner does not understand why they must be brought to the surface again. Apparently, husband and wife are often quite different, and because they do not understand each other on this point, it can cause them to drift even farther away from each other. The one accuses the other by always bringing up former injustices while, from the other side, the reproach can be heard that it has never been properly addressed.

Understanding each other

Perhaps it is not possible to understand each other completely, but at least we can try to accept the fact that everyone’s disposition is different. When your husband or wife can not forget injustices easily, you must bear that in mind, and you should not think that you can change your partner just like that. The one feels things much more deeply than the other, and the past clings to the one more than the other. Perhaps you have to listen more often than you like about the pain which you have inflicted. Perhaps you think, “Must she start with that again?” Alas, that is the way it is, and it is best to assume a listening position even if it sounds unreasonable and you have the feeling that it is exaggerated or taken out of context. To always be on the defensive is not the most profitable, and to apologize for what was said or happened probably works better.

Covering transgressions

On the other hand, there is a difference between feeling old pain and accusing your partner every time. You don’t have to be ashamed that you cannot forget the past. You may in good moments also talk about the old pain, but you should not continually accuse your partner if there is no need for it. To state it more emphatically, whoever brings the case up again causes a separation between the parties. It may even be the cause of a break-up in the marriage. If you have a desire to repeatedly remind your partner what he or she has done wrong in the past, it is better to forget it and to first consider the accusations which have been made. You don’t have to hide your angry feelings, but be aware of what you feel. Bear in mind that when you bring it up again, you gain nothing. On the contrary, you open old painful wounds.

Forgiven and forgotten

It is possible that you have forgiven your partner for what he or she has said but that you cannot forget it. It keeps coming back into your thoughts. There is nothing wrong with that as long as we keep in mind that when something is forgiven, we may not use it in season or out of season to inflict pain upon the other. That usually is the case; it is brought up to nastily remind the other how dumb and wrong he or she was. It is clear that this is not biblical when we examine God’s Word. Would God recollect what He has forgiven? Would He remember the case again? No, He covers the transgression of all those who have heartily confessed their sins and have learned to take refuge in Christ Jesus. Whoever knows something of that and lives it does not have much desire to remind the other person of his faults.

“Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding” (Proverbs 17:28).

“He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city” (Proverbs 16:32).

“He loveth transgression that loveth strife” (Proverbs 17:19a).

A prayerless man is a careless man.

— William Tiptaft

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