What do I do when I have a loved one who admits that he or she struggles with pornography?

Addiction to pornography is a difficult situation that is becoming more and more common. We cannot normalize the viewing of pornography, but due to the stigmatization that is associated with pornography, it is often a difficult subject to discuss when there are issues. It is a sin that is often done in private and leads to great shame when it must be addressed and discussed.

It is important to understand that there are different degrees of pornography consumption. Not every situation can be addressed in the same manner. Some people fall into occasional compulsive or obsessive consumption while in others it turns into an extreme addiction. No case of pornography consumption is acceptable, but the more extreme cases need different treatment and will likely need the help of professional counselors. However, all cases require compassion, support, and, most importantly, prayer for deliverance from this temptation.

The dangers that are related to pornography are many—pornography can lead to the destruction of our families, to the hardening of our heart, and to our eternal destruction! Numerous online articles define the many resulting dangers to our families and society. Yet, despite all these dangers, many of us are still inclined to fall into this sin, even in our Reformed communities. Although we may never have fallen into the actual sin of pornography, God can show us how evil our human nature is. Then we recognize ourselves as the greatest of sinners.

Helping the individual

Other than prayer, the first thing you can do to help is listen. Since these acts are accompanied with implied shame and judgment, it is important that you do not impose more shame and judgment on individuals struggling with pornography as this may cause them to withdraw from sources of help. If you respond with sincerity, it is more likely that they will confide in you in the future. People who consume pornography usually feel remorse and know that it is wrong. Confiding in someone else can help them with their struggles as well as help to hold them accountable.

Oftentimes, you may experience anger, negativity, and perhaps even repulsion against the acts when hearing about them. Initially, it is not helpful to express your feelings. They may be discussed after allowing the person who is struggling to share. It is not healthy to repress these feelings; however, expressing them immediately may cause the person who is struggling with pornography to withdraw further.

If you understand the addictive nature of pornography, then try to sympathize with your loved one. Try to show support—not for the compulsion but for the striving against the compulsion. For adults this involves accountability programs such as Covenant Eyes and filters as well as honest and open conversations. Let your loved one know that he or she is not alone and can talk to you if ever feeling this compulsion. Ask him or her what you can do to help since he/she best knows the times and places of those struggles. As with any compulsion or addiction (pornography, alcohol, drugs, etc.), the individual who is struggling needs to help initiate the recovery. Tell the person that he or she is not the only one who struggles with pornography and that there is hope to get past it.

While support is crucial, it is also important to be honest with the person about your feelings. You may not enable the person to continue his or her destructive behavior but emphasize the negative impact on him/her and the family. It does not help to shelter someone from the consequences of his or her actions. Whenever you are discussing this, try to find the right time, and keep as much emotion out of the conversation as possible.

It is also important to recognize the signs of someone falling back into these compulsions. In order to recognize this, you need to know the individual. Signs may include: the person becoming evasive when talking about his or her problem, lashing out, suddenly being gone more frequently or not being available, being agitated or short-tempered after being alone. If you suspect, based on these signs, that the person is in trouble again, try to maintain communication and discuss what you need to do.

Remember that many people’s struggle with pornography is compulsive and reactionary. After this has been addressed with a family member, they may bury the compulsion for a period of time. When there is a trigger, however, such as stress at work, an argument with a spouse, or anything else, they may fall into their old habits again. Therefore, it is important to have multiple levels of support which could include a spouse, a family member, a friend, or a professional. It is important that the members of this support network can help each other. For example, if the one struggling has an argument with a spouse, the spouse can have someone else check in with that person.

Helping the spouse and family

It is common that a spouse may feel inadequate if his or her partner has been consuming pornography. Spouses feel that they should be good enough for their loved one and may interpret pornography addiction as a betrayal of their trust. It is important that they do not blame themselves because pornography consumption usually has very little to do with satisfying a need for intimacy. They need to remember that this is their spouse’s personal struggle, not their own. If we may know our own sinful inclinations, then we may be able to sympathize with the inclinations of others.

It is very possible that a spouse may feel betrayal, anxiety, depression, and a loss of trust. This can lead to severe emotional pain. Therefore, he or she needs a confidant—either a professional or a trusted family member or friend. Such a spouse needs to receive help for his or her own mental and emotional state. Seeking this help should never be to shame the one struggling with pornography; that would be destructive. Yet, if someone intends to help a struggling spouse or a family member, then he or she must first get emotional support for himself/herself.

The confidant should offer encouragement to the one seeking help. Most likely he or she does not have personal fault in his/her spouse’s struggles with pornography. Therefore, efforts to lose weight, to dress differently, or to change routines are neither healthy nor necessary to help a loved one. There is no nicotine gum equivalent to replace the desire for pornography consumption. However, if there are other relationship problems unrelated to the issue of pornography which can be improved, it may be beneficial to encourage the couple to make those changes because a strong family bond will help them in the future. For example, if a family or couple lives a lifestyle in which one of the spouses is often away from home, it may be helpful to discuss scenarios where that can be improved. If there are preceding problems in the marriage, do not hesitate to encourage seeking marital advice to strengthen the marital bonds.

Discuss the broken trust since the feeling of betrayal can break the intimate trust but also emotional and spiritual ties that may exist in a family. Oftentimes, spouses can be each other’s closest confidant when discussing emotional and spiritual concerns and issues. Therefore, if one spouse has hidden his or her pornography consumption, and suddenly the other spouse becomes aware of it, then any previous intimate trust that was built by sharing vulnerabilities in everyday and spiritual life may also come crashing down. It may take a long time to again restore trust, so it is important that there are other supports, such as a family member, to help rebuild that trust and help the spouses become close confidants again.

For a loved one, restoring trust can prove a very difficult process. Part of the process will be to forgive the offending loved one. Forgiveness may be the most difficult part. It is important to remember that forgiveness does not condone the offense or pretend that it never occurred. Forgiveness means that he/she will not hold the offense against his/her loved one. Reconciliation is aided when a secret sin is brought to light. If instead a grudge is held, further falling into sin may be kept secret rather than being confessed and addressed with support.

Helping yourself

Perhaps you suffer with this compulsion to sin but have never discussed it with anyone. It remains a hidden sin. Remember, nothing is hidden in the sight of God. Also understand that even if your family members are not aware of your sin at the moment; nevertheless, it is indirectly affecting you and your family. Consuming pornography is not a form of natural love; it will negatively affect any relationship that you may have. There are many articles online explaining the harmful effects of pornography in everyday life.

Every day our prayer must be, “Lead us not into temptation.” This is not to appear pious in ourselves. When we understand something of our truly miserable nature, then we need a true spiritual prayer to be kept from such sin day after day. We read of David prior to his fall into sin with Bathsheba that he tarried in Jerusalem while he sent his army into war with the Ammonites. Later in the evening he arose from his bed, and while walking on his roof top he fell into temptation. Herein is an example that when we are not busy with our labors and lawful duties, it is easier to fall into temptation. Seeing how far this child of God fell, do we not have all the more reason to continually pray to be kept from temptation? Such a prayer should not be just a repetition before our meals but a true supplication to the Lord.

Personally, you may know that the struggle with pornography has its ups and downs. You may have developed an escape in which you are able to circumvent your Internet filters and your accountability programs. Consequently, you may become despondent as to how to truly break with this sin. The first practical step is to arm yourself with as many everyday defenses as possible. Remove opportunities for temptation, and if you know of ways to subvert a filter, try to find a backup that will disallow that possibility. Also, try to find accountability partners to help you in times of temptation. It may not be easy to open up to someone but doing so can be extremely helpful. Try to find someone in whom you can confide, one who is understanding, supportive, and trustworthy. You require someone who will hold you accountable and strongly encourage you to separate yourself from this addiction. Above all, “Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil” (Ephesians 6:11). Be as Job, who made a covenant with his eyes that he would not look upon a maid. Beg for the grace of God to make the armour of God your front-line protection. Only the inward filter of the fear of the Lord may help keep us from such temptations as well as numerous other sins.

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